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INTIMACY (Latin, intimus meaning inmost)

To be intimate is in a sense to bare the "inmost" self; to be seen and known for whom and what one truly is. So much of what we are or are not, in our estimation (or in the way we think that we are seen by others) is associated with feelings of shame, inadequacy, guilt and "unloveability". Understandably, there can be much fear and anxiety around being seen in a negative light or being seen as unlikable.

We are apt to situate ourselves nearer or further away from others based on what we learned and saw in our families of origin. Other past experiences of having been treated well and liked or having not been treated well in ways can lead to styles that are more or less connected. One might be comfortable with contact or one may be wary or withdrawn. This shows up in a pronounced way in intimate relationships. Some people like and can tolerate a lot of closeness while others cannot. It is possible for people with these different attachment styles to learn to understand and cooperate with each other's ways of being close.

One of the skills that I am able to guide individuals and couples to in my practice, is seeing the differences in the way that people connect to, and disconnect from, each other. There is much to be learned and understood about tolerating closeness and distance in all, and especially, intimate relationships. I help people who like a lot of closeness, and who can feel threatened and anxious if there is not perpetual closeness, to tolerate more distance in order to be with a person who needs more distance. Conversely, I help those who need lots of distance, and who feel overwhelmed and engulfed with too much closeness, to slowly tolerate being closer to others.

This knowledge is very valuable (and even crucial in some cases) in helping couples to work with their different styles; to be and stay together. It helps individuals to identify their attachment style and work creatively with it should they wish to preserve an intimate relationship that is threatened by the differences in the way that the two people connect with and disconnect from each other.